The cycle comes back around and I wonder
Autumn usually signals the start of a slow descent into the seasonal melancholy I experience throughout the winter months. Living in Northern Europe makes this affliction even more unbearable, as we only get around 5 hours of daylight, which takes a severe toll on my state of mind.
Last winter, I experienced no depression for the first time in over 20 years. I am still not sure what to attribute this to. Several changes took place: I leased a desk in a new office space, which had me going from working alone at home every day to seeing and being around people every day. I quit sugar in January, which seemed to have a stabilizing effect. And lastly, I stopped drinking alcohol. That became a project which occupied me, distracted my mind from the seasonal darkness, and made me feel better physically as well. I did have shorter bouts of melancholy, mostly triggered by the reflective practice surrounding the experiment, but also by how people reacted to my decision early on. It did not come without certain losses. Friendships were altered, some lost completely.
The cycle has come around, and I am nearing the same point again. Only three months left of my promised abstinence and two months until the darkness usually digs its heels properly into my psyche. I am nervous to find out if it will return, or if my choices have bought me another get-out-of-jail-free card for this round of mental torture.
It’s been a turbulent venture. A few rather significant upsides jump out though: more physical energy, more mental surplus and the loss of depressive tendencies or melancholy. If I can attribute these to a life with no alcohol, the reasons for not indulging again overshadow any shortcomings it might have.
Realistically, it is probably a mix of things, many of which I haven’t mapped out yet. The mind is a curious thing, complex and with far too many layers for me to ever understand it fully. I have a feeling I’ve discovered a significant piece of the puzzle to my mood this year. But only time will tell if this is truly the case.