Emotional maturity vs navel-gazing
Alcohol will probably never release its grip on me. When challenged in life, I veer towards escapism – to get away from struggle, to distance myself from me. And for that, alcohol is a great companion, quite possibly the greatest. Because of this, I must always be mindful of the knife-edge on which I walk through life.
Paradoxically, I see this vigilance as a good thing. A heightened awareness of my own state of mind is immensely beneficial and can help avoid pain. It’s destructive to ride a wave of emotions without knowing where they come from. I’ve practiced looking inward, not just this year, but through my entire adult life. I’ve witnessed how a lack of self-awareness has played a large part in ruining the happiness of people close to me. As a reaction, I’ve sort of done the opposite, almost to a fault. Looking inward can easily tip into navel-gazing and make me hard to be around. It promotes melancholy. I am still finding my balance in this.
To me, knowing yourself is essential, a sign of emotional maturity: not affecting everyone around you with unexamined, knee-jerk reactions, but having the ability to decipher the inside of your mind, take responsibility, draw clear boundaries, and also apologize to people affected by you when you fail in this endeavor.
The irony of using alcohol as a means of escape, while still advocating self-awareness, is not lost on me. Maybe every little nuance of my emotions is not meant to be examined.