The Recommended column on Youtube is killing me.
Admittedly, I feel somewhat devoid of things to say this week.
Not because thoughts aren’t racing as usual. They are. Excessively. But I am just sort of ruminating on the same things over and over.
My challenge these days is not a challenge of alcohol. Although I intermittently fall into the fear of how to bear this new state for a whole year and hopefully longer, I feel surprisingly resilient against imbibing and all the temptations it carries. This not only frees time previously spent hungover, but also time spent worrying how to handle future situations, or time spent chagrined over poor choices in the past. It adds up to a surprising surplus. Turns out if you make life choices that free up resources, you better have a plan for how to spend them wisely, as otherwise, you end up squandering them on ridiculous things, such as the Recommended column on YouTube, or the ever-refreshing feed on Instagram (surely two of mankind’s most magnificent black holes, repeatedly swallowing every ounce of my willpower and meticulously planned calendar).
My mind runs wild in any or many directions, notwithstanding the influence it will have on my mood or productivity. It is a scattered thing, a thousand thoughts and ideas fighting for attention, whether deserved or not. On a whim, I can go from serious work to an hour-long detour, learning how to restore old axes on YouTube, often contemplating if this is not what I should spend my life doing, instead of the actual work right in front of me – work usually important to my life and my business. These detours, entertaining as they might be, offset my time and mood, throwing me off guard, making it hard to regain momentum. It can make the difference between an uplifting day carried by a momentum of good choices, and a single dissonant decision, throwing the remaining hours in mental disarray and melancholy.
In the end this all falls a little flat for me. It’s a net positive, having gained this momentum, but applying it wisely is a whole other skillset – one I honestly haven’t prepared for or practiced all too much. And so another venture begins – a venture within the venture.
Everything comes with hidden costs it would seem. I am a little exhausted by the lack of simple things in life.