Halfway in, halfway to go
With 26 weeks, I am now exactly six months into my New Year’s resolution of not drinking alcohol for an entire year. This marks the first time since I was 11 years old that I’ve gone this long without drinking. I realize, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not that long, but still, I’m proud of the effort. A few things stand out to me, some better, some worse.
One of the biggest fears I had going into this was if and how my relationships would change and if some of them would survive. And rightly so it turned out. Because some of these relationships did change and some of them also ended. I’m not too surprised. I already had a feeling which relationships would struggle with my new lifestyle, and these particular ones, only carried by the frangible foundation of imbibing together, were long overdue for an inspection. Other relationships are still adjusting, but these and most of my social circle by far have taken to my new lifestyle surprisingly well.
My relationship with time has seen a profound change. I have received an abundance of time for myself, my health, and all the ideas and projects I want to create in life. One of the hardest things for me before all this was the punishment I put on myself every time I drank. It ruined my workouts, it ruined my habits and routines, and basically suspended every other thing in my life needing or wanting attention. Abstaining from alcohol has given me all of this back and then some. Seriously, you have no idea how much time time is, until you spend all of it sober. I haven’t had a single off-day since the beginning of January, and it reflects in my lifestyle, in what and how much I get to do, and in how I feel about myself.
I’ve written several times on here about my relationship to my body, working out, and how much it does for both my physical and mental health. Not having alcohol interfere with this has been a game changer, and the consistency now present in this rhythm brings me an unprecedented quality of life, allowing me to feel and think at my best every day. Sobriety has also introduced a significant amount of self-discovery, and though not every discovery feels good, I count them all as inherently good, since they deepen my relationship to myself – something I and people around me benefit from immensely.
When starting this journey, I couldn’t navigate in any kind of alcohol consumption. Every indulgence presented the same challenges and losses every single time, habits so imprudent yet still clinging to me, anchoring me down, drowning me. But these last six months have given me a different perspective. With this distance, I can start to appreciate the times when alcohol wasn’t treated like a destructive thing, but was something adding to my experience. Having always enjoyed both cooking and new tasting experiences in general, alcohol typically worked well for me when paired with great food and a great taste experience. It became a layer on top of others, and not something I’d indulge in only to support my more troublesome patterns and struggles. I’m not ready yet, if ever, to bring alcohol back into my life when this year is over – but it has been somewhat of a relief to see not only destruction and sorrow in its wake but also good and meaningful times.
Six months in and many, many nights spent reflecting on this existence, my choices and how these affect me. The longer I live, the more I realize that everything is a season. Life moves in cycles, and what can seem scary or almost impossible to overcome, too, shall pass. Life moves on, rewarding and challenging you in different ways, on different paths altogether. Nothing ever stays the same, even though a lot of things can feel the same. Recognizing these patterns and seasons can be a great help in living through them – in easing my rumination and fear of missing out. Knowing that everything I experience will come back around in some version or another gives great comfort and the allowance to just… take the foot off the pedal once in a while. And coast.
These learnings will no doubt have changed when another six months have passed, and then again the year after. This is okay. Showing myself I can handle this challenge – that I can actively protect myself from myself when necessary, but also care for and discipline myself – gives me strength, at least for now, to take on the next six months.