Stress testing my social life is… stressful.
Something struck me the other day. Until recently, a major part of my social life has been meeting with friends, getting a beer or a glass of wine, chatting and just hanging out. It could be a Wednesday after work, or maybe a Saturday afternoon in a sunny spot at one of our favorite bars. Throughout the years, this has resulted in many great conversations about what current joys and struggles we all experience.
Being new to a sober lifestyle, I’ve started to worry how big of a part alcohol played in facilitating this intimate atmosphere when spending time with people I love. Not that I believe all my friendships are dependent on alcohol to thrive and survive (although I imagine that’s most certainly the case with some of them – I’ve just yet to find out which ones). But I’d be a fool not to recognize that two or three beers usually loosen both the moods and tongues for most of us, applying sometimes much-needed grease to our interfacing. Alcohol has this great ability to make conversations more interesting and you more engaged, and I have many fond memories of heart-to-hearts or discussions with friends over drinks, discovering how life has uniquely shaped their inner worlds, beliefs and morals.
Since the beginning of this year, I have yet to meet up with anyone in this manner. January is a slow month where most are engaged with getting kids back to school, planning for the spring and summer, getting everything back in motion. I’ve thought about reaching out a few times, but I am facing this challenge:
Will we be able to reach the same level of fun and intimacy if alcohol is not involved?
I’m having a hard time finding an adequate substitute for alcohol when hanging out. Going for a cup of coffee or lemonade doesn’t have that same je ne sais quoi as going for a beer (at least to me), and while I should be able to hang with them while they have a drink and I don’t, I’m not quite ready for that scenario just yet.
I realize this can seem like a trivial concern. Other people with a less troubled relationship to alcohol probably hang out all the time with no beer in sight, and still talk and share their lives in an intimate manner, with nothing hindering real connection. But I do worry about how this will affect my relationships going forward. I have no kids and am currently single, but almost everybody I know has a partner and children. Their family occupies a significant amount of their time, as you might imagine – time they’re no longer spending with me. This seems only natural to me and I understand and accept it. But life in these years has become significantly more lonely than I anticipated because of it, and I fear anything that could further reduce the number of friends I get to see regularly.
January is slowly coming to an end and the ‘new year, new me’ energy has run its course. As I continue the discipline to stay healthy and off alcohol for the long haul, I also face these social challenges. I’ll need to test different approaches and figure out what does and doesn’t work for me. Going back to the old lifestyle is not an option, but I can neither afford to lose beloved friends nor do I want to.
Being open to new experiences seems crucial, as does having a solid social backbone of people who will dive into this with me, creating new patterns and habits in our companionship. I believe both my friends and I are open to this challenge, but the insecurity surrounding it does make me a little nervous right now.