Notes from the halfway line of sobriety
Summer feels like halftime. Halfway through, halfway done. The unstructured, floating nature of this break gives more time than usual to think and the thinking has revealed a scary thing.
I seem to have completely transformed my relationship with alcohol. I don’t drink it, I am not tempted by it, and my life has honestly only become better without it. The scary part is that I have no recollection of the agony and pain it brought to my life not even a year ago, besides the written account on these pages. I’ve moved so far past it that I now sit here, the most sober, thinking that when this year is over, I can start drinking again. I can easily control it. Why wouldn’t I be able to? I quit cold turkey almost eight months ago and have since learnt a great deal about the inner mechanics of my mind. I just apply this newfound sensibility to my consumption habits and I get to enjoy the best of both worlds from here on out.
I believe it, and I don’t. It probably won’t hold. I will be able to maintain a healthy relationship for the first few months and then slowly revert to old destructive habits.
The above is mostly me just trying to keep myself grounded.
Truthfully, I am cocky enough to reckon I have reached a turning point – that with just the right application of willpower and sense, my alcohol abuse is behind me. I believe I will be able to consume it joyously with friends, not always being the odd one out, the one people have to be considerate of, but just… normal… and with no abuse history whatsoever.
I know both of these can’t be true. I just don’t know which.