It’s a hard knock butterfly life
I feel somewhat relieved of the pull of alcohol – the distance it put between me and my feelings, making sure I never really dealt with actual shortcomings, troubles, emotional struggles. That false sense of protection.
I am still not diving headfirst into every emotion I experience though. I’m not sure everything is meant to be examined inside out. Some things should be allowed to just pass through you, whether they hurt or cause joy, without the need to scrutinize or investigate them.
I now use different tools for distancing myself from me. They take other forms – goals for my workouts, my social media content, my graphic design company or anything else in my life. I engage and plan and execute, and on the outside, this looks like progress, like achievements, like something to strive for. But honestly, they are just replacements for alcohol, doing the same job of separating me from inner struggles and hard choices, filling the uncomfortable space with something to do, instead of actually sitting with the emotions I am going through.
This interim step, the chrysalis between my old self and a more sensible new person, feels necessary. I don’t know what the end result will be. I wonder if I will ever fully leave this casing, or if the shell has already broken and I am merely moments from flying.